Total word count: 6,959 words.
Total read time: 27 minutes and 43 seconds.

This is the eleventh entry in my monthly columns (which is not strcitly released on a monthly basis). Some of the subjects and questions were submitted to me via email (ashleyjones@icum.to). Please submit your questions, tip requests, suggestions, etc. via email with the subject line, "Monthly column".

In this column, I will discuss the following topics:
-Column Comment
-Aubrey PLAPZA is PREGNANT (YUCK) Yo that bitch is chopped
-Am I Pregnant? (AI Victim)
-I'm a Hypocrite and Why That's Actually a Good Thing
-The topic of iced cream
-Prayer Requests
-Seeking female friends (not sexual)
-BABE OF THE MONTH
-Archive of my life
-Recipe of the Month (French Bread)
-OBITUARY OF THE MONTH
-Mii Creepypasta
-Fan Art
-Tubgurl.com is closed
-A Walk Down Memory Lane: Obese Chair

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Aubrey PLAPZA is Pregnant and dude she looks WRECKED

I was going along my usual gooning session. I typically rotate through leaked celebrity photos. Guess whos turn it was this week? Aubrey Plaza. Upon looking up her name followed by "fappening", I found out she is currently pregnant at the fertile age of 41. I thought her husband just died, now I find out she's suddenly pregnant? Maybe she needed a lot of cum to cope with the grieving process. I am pretty sure the chances of having a downie baby at age 41 are over 50 percent, and that is about the level of intelligence I'd expect from an Aubrey Plaza spawn.

I had the unfortunate reality of stumbling upon this picture right before my JO sesh. It turned me off so much that I turned off my computer and instead listened to viagra advertisements to try and get in the mood again. This looks nothing like Aubrey. It looks like an Aubrey clone that ate the real Aubrey. In reality, I guess having nut inside of you makes you look like a hungry lesbian. Oh boy, I just described myself.

I gave her the name of Aburey Plapza because she has obviously been plapped. I couldn't imagine waiting until age 41 to have kids. After she's done pushing, will she play some cribbage and complete some crosswords?

When I saw this pregnant image of Aubrey Plaza, I thought I was about to masturbate to Tim Allen.

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Product Review: Fabuluso All Purpose Cleaner - Watermelon Scent
And a criticism about urban society

I don't typically like to purchase products with harsh chemicals due to the carcinogenic properties in harsh cleaners. But, by floors remained dirty with that yid soap Dr. Bonners, so I tried out one of these cleaning products that Mexicans use. I must have the preferences of a black woman, because I love watermelon-scented things. However, this doesn't smell like watermelon at all. It smells like a chemical perfume with no hint of watermelon. It smells floral instead. It does clean the floors well, but the scent left afterwards is strong, requiring me to open up my windows and be expored to chem-trailed air just to get rid of the Fabuluso scent.

Well, as it turns out, some people like that scent. I loaded a private window to see some TikToks about this product. This isn't something I typically do, but I saw results for Fabuluso Watermelon TikToks in the search engine results. As it turns out, the "urban community" BOILS this cleaning chemical in the stove because "it smell guuuuh". Yes, every hand pouring this bottle of cleaner into a pot on the stove is ALWAYS a black hand. Not one comment suggesting that doing this is obviously stupid. One black woman even said, "We all have asthma in my house" and proceeds to boil chemicals into the air. Apparently boiling Fabuluso on the stove is a staple memory from many black people's childhoods. It is a cultural thing to blacks to boil watermelon Fabuluso on the stove because "it smell guuh". You can't make this up.

Also, fun fact. I meant to name the file of the black woman smelling the pot, "sniff.jpg". Well, the "g" key is right next to the "f". I accidentally typed "snigg.jpg". I kept it as is.

I find this interesting: I then saw a video featuring an annoying white woman. Green greasy hair (slightly faded, roots showing), piercings, "problem" glasses. All of the hallmarks of a stupid, lower-class person in so far as white people go. Even this bottom-of-the-barrel white person was the ONLY person to make a video on how stupid it is to boil cleaning chemicals.

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Am I Pregnant? (AI Victim)

You have to be careful with what you see on the internet. You cannot believe everything you see. Even if it's a picture or video. I know it is shocking to hear that Trump and Putin didn't make out in the oral office when you see it in 4k video, trust me, I was shocked to hear that was fake, too. But sometimes things are too good to be true. This means, yes, that video you saw of a 400lbs landwhale woman going ziplining and falling to her death is not real, sadly. I was the recent victim of people being tricked into an AI image of me. It didn't involve ziplining, but it DID involve looking 400lbs.

For context, I have a 38 year old virgin stalker who tries to mate guard me by making up bizarre lies (e.g. she lives with her mom and she just broke up with her black boyfriend after he personally gave her an abortion). The reality is, my life is very stable and normal like most other adults, with no chaotic, nor pathetic events taking place. But, in order to taint my image for other simps, some make up lies in hopes nobody will be left for me to "select" but the 38 year old obese virgin who lives in a moldy trailer -- not kidding with these descriptors, either.

For further context: I have closed my imageboard due to little to no discussion over interesting topics. I felt like I was hosting an off-shoot of Facebook and it made me disgusted. Since then, the people who were left on the now closed board (whom were mainly simps) went to another more pathetic board to discuss women (or, underage holes) they wish to rape. My stalker also has an obsession with AI because he is incapable of imaginging things on his own. Therefore, when Facebook allowed him to create images of his 3D waifu being pregnant, it was well worth the 8 gallons of water wasted per image for him. In fact, I frequently saw him post images of me holding babies, posting things about me being pregnant, etc. It seems as though his biological clock is ticking and I am his victim of his prengnacy desires.

This led to the following image being posted:

I do not visit the website this was posted to because I would rather have sex with women than discuss wanting to have sex with them, so I didn't see this. But, I woke up to several e-mails congratulating me on a baby. It was mentioned that an image of me being pregnant was posted online. I panicked. Did my secret food competition training videos get out? Or worse, did someone creepshot me wearing my prosthetic pregnancy belly in public because I like getting guaranteed seats on public transpiration?

When I saw the image, I felt dumb. Of course it would be an AI image. And how was there not one opposing voice saying, "this is AI"? I was shocked. I look like I have been smoking every day that baby has been inside of me. Where did this random chipped tooth come from? Probably that black boyfriend I have, because simps love to project BBC FANTASIES ONTO ME. IT IS SO GAY AND PATHETIC. I would never wear this outfit (I look like a woman who made a bra outfit out of a construction vest) let alone post an image online of me wearing this outfit. Why are there random artifacts along my face and legs? Why is there a random white rectangular box on the back side of the wall?

I was about to count the fingers until I remembered that I randomly grow and drop fingers like a buck with antlers, so this wasn't a reliable test.

FACT CHECK: Ashley Jones is not currently pregnant. But not for a lack of trying. Unlike Aubrey, I have not waited until the very last egg to have a child. But if all else fails, at least I have sea monkeys. I recall having sea monkeys as a kid and letting the water dry out, forcing the sea monkeys to die. That was very terrible of me. I was very negligent to those sea monkeys.

Real photo of me in 2005 picking out my sea monkeys. "Oh, which ones do I want to dry out to death?"

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I'm a Hypocrite and Why That's Actually a Good Thing

It it time to come clean about something I have been planning for a few months now. I am a total, complete hypocrite. But, my hypocracy will actually benefit everybody, hence why I am making this decision. I am deciding to willingly inject myself with AIDs by using Y*utube. I know, go ahead and scoff at me. DO IT. Go ahead, go TISK TISK at me, YOU HYPOCRATE. That's right, you're no better than me. Everyone I have surveyed already has a Youtube channel and watches Youtube. It's not as if you were a Peertube purist, trying to make it work like I was. Hey, at least I tried.

I want to start creating videos more regularly, but it is difficult to dedicate time to that when I have other things occupying my time. Therefore, if I can have some sort of income that supports these internet projects such as server hosting, domain renewal fees, purchase of vintage technology equipment to feature, etc., I can be better equip to not only make videos more frequently, but of better quality.

Currently, I barely receive Monero donations, which are my only accepted form of donation (with the addition of Panda Express gift cards). Most people have not heard of Monero. Most people don't care to jump through the hoops of getting Monero to donate to me. Therefore, I receive probably $30 once every 6 months. This is far from enough to cover current server and domain costs, which are around $700 annually. Before you offer advice on cutting server costs -- it can't be done. Peertube has VPS hardware requirements which run roughly the same regardless of which provider you go with.

My main goal of being on Youtube is to collect a slightly bigger audience that is willing to provide monthly recurring income to me, which I will dump back into my videos. There are many strange, cool, and unusual topics and vintage technology devices I would love to cover in my videos. I have a long text file with ideas.

To earn this income, I plan on doing a membership-based plan where I will create exclusive media only accessed behind this membership. Everyone's first thought is to do Patreon. I am smart enough to research their track record of suspending accounts. They will suspend a PG-13 account who has done anything NSFW outside of the platform. If you know me, then I would definitely be banned on Patreon. It reminds me of when I got in trouble by my school and the police for making Youtube skits at 15. It has nothing to do with school, so why am I being punished for this in school? Therefore, I will not be doing Patreon. I will also not be doing any Patreon-like service like Subscribestar. These services will always take a bigger cut of each sale than if you had just made the service yourself. If you make your own website to accept memberships, the fee is as low as can be, because only the payment processor will be taking the fee (rather than Patreon AND the payment processor).

Therefore, I plan on making my own membership website. Back-end infrastructure already exists to do so, so this is easy to impliment. It ensures I can be more free without as much restriction as Patreon, and less fees than using these types of services. Also, perhaps the biggest concern would be if I am able to see sensitive debit card information. All payments will not be done through me. They will go to a third-party service to process payments, meaning the debit card information does not go through my server. I will not see any debit card information. This is also a bonus for security, because I trust a reputable payment procesor for security rather than myself. I also plan on accepting crypto payments for the membership, which cannot be done with Patreon and the like.

To give further information, I want to describe what will be offered in this membership. I want to post anything, from text posts talking about ideas, rants, pictures of my day, food I've made from scratch, pictures of me, etc., to even video skits. Not EVERYTHING will be reserved for the membership, but a lot will. I also plan on doing my public access live stream on my membership website, with a VOD being offered later on Peertube. I plan on posting frequently. I hate when someone wants you to join their Patreon, only for there to be one post a month. I would like to keep mine very active. I would also offer other services, such as game servers for members, chat (Discord bridged with IRC and XMPP. Discord is gay so I will use XMPP, and I look at this as a public chat room), and private messaging for a certain tier. If there is more I can offer aside from frequent text posts, pictures of me and my day, exclusive videos, exclusive live-streams, exclusive game servers and IRC+XMPP+Discord bridged chatroom, let me know.

The basic tier includes text updates and exlclusive videos for $5. There will be a $10 and $50 tier as well, with the $50 including access to private message with me throughout that membership plan. All private messages remain strictly confidential. If you are a female celebrity that wants to confess your love to me, I will keep that secret. It's OK Emma Stone, you can purchase my $50 tier in confidence.

I also am offering senior, military, and female discounts. That's right, if you're old, ex-military, and a female, you get this for practically free. I think it will be about 20% off for anyone under these categories. There WILL be proof required via video or government documentation. AI fakes will be detected.

To wrap it up, I don't plan on changing my daily habits or computer usage. I am simply posting my videos to a wider audience on Youtube, and I will also be posting those same videos to Peertube. Meaning, the Peertube isn't going anywhere and it will actually be more active than Youtube because I will post too-hot-for-tv skits on Peertube that I may not include in my membership. As for concerns over biometrics and social media: My face has already been uploaded to every social media website you can think of -- I am not handing over any biometric data that hasn't already been collected. I'm currently not able to support any further monetary investment in way of time nor products purchased for videos, so I am trying to change things up to better fund these things. I will not be an active user of proprietary social media, it will strictly be to post these things (with exception of the CRT and VHS subreddit while I am on the toilet).

If you would like to issue a complaint or compliment, or reserve your spot for a discount, or collaberate on a video for my Youtube/Peertube contact me at: ashleyjones@icum.to

Iced Cream Discussion

While some people want me to have an addiction to BBC, I actually have an addiction to ice cream. And not chocolate, either, you BBC losers. My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream. I enjoy baking, and even as a kid (~11-13) I enjoyed making homemade caked with Oreos on them. With icecream, I like the cold vanilla paired with the vanilla cream sandwich part. It's a cold sweet taste paired with a smooth sweeter taste.

I don't like that the majority of ice cream includes corn syrup. But, I found out you can make your own ice cream at home with an ice cream maker machine. I want to purchase one in the future. I would make cookies and cream icecream, and Rocky Road, which is chocolate ice cream with nuts and marshmallow. I like the crunch in my food, like crunchy peanut butter or rocky road ice cream.

This talk of ice cream reminds me of a joke I would play on the ice cream man as a child. I would hear the classic ice cream truck music play in my neighborhood. I would slightly open my window and yell "HEY!!!!! HEYYYY!!!!", and laugh at the ice cream man trying to find the kid. Funnily enough, my neighborhood had a Mexican ice cream man, too. His truck was different. In fact, it wasn't even a truck (shocker). It was a cart with wheels, and it had a bell that would ring as he pushed the cart. I never got ice cream from the Mexican ice cream man.

I have a goal this summer. I want to make a banana split. Dairy Queen's prices are absurdly high, and it's like $40 for a banana split from there. So, I'm gonna be a Dairy King and make one at home.

I recently became addicted to these Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches. I know the Oreo brand is really weird, as it is owned by Nestle, and they are essentially dumping anything into these cookies BUT chocolate. It's probably lab-grown mold with MSG sprinkled in so we like the taste. It worked for me. Because of that, I'm no longer buying these. Instead, I want to make some at home. Also, did you know that the Oreo design has Satanic symbology? You will notice around the word "Oreo" there is a symbol. Someone says, "The symbol around the word Oreo on the center of the cookie was designed from the Knights Templar Cross of Lorraine, which is a symbol of quality. The "flowers" on the Oreo were rendered using the Knights Templar Cross Pattée. The dots, flowers and dashes represent the 3 degrees of Ancient Craft Freemasonry. The arranging of the dots around the cookie were strategically placed to form the 5 Pointed Star; the symbol of the Order of the Eastern Star. All of these symbols are still used throughout the Masonic bodies, including the Eastern Star, Knights Templar and the Scottish Rite."

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You know what I have been praying for? A female friend. I've had my fair share of men wanting to be friends with me, only to throw a temper tantrum when I don't want to suckle his teeny peeny during the "friendship". Mind you, this is all online. I have made a rule to only accept friendship with females, because if a female would want me to suckle her teeny peeny (female), I might say yes. But, for some reason females do not often contact me or want to engage in a friendship. The opportunity just doesn't arise much, it's a total sausage party.

This is a formal request: If you are a biological female, e-mail me or text me and we can become friends. Here are hobbies we may have in common:
Childbearing, cooking, baking, homemaking, crafting (knitting, crocheting, painting), game shows, old video games, vintage technology (CRT TVs, VCRs, cassette players, radios, clocks), emo music (The Blood Brothers, Tigers Jaw, Copeland, etc.), ambient music (Harold Budd, Brian Eno, Patrick O'hern, etc.), Gnosticism, conspiracy theories, old school humor (Mad TV), 1800s history, soldering, repair, Mario Kart online to troll people together if desired, etc.

It is not required that we have interests in all of the same things. I am simply laying potential commonground to see if you would like to be my friend. Our friendship is private and confidential. I will always respect your privacy, that is important. We could also send each other baked goods (please dont poison me) and letters. I am trying to practice better cursive, so I could send letters and poloroids to you. Or a hat that I knitted for you.

I'd like to talk on the phone here and there, too. I'd like if you keep personal details I tell you private between you and me. I'll accept any female, just be biologically female.

You could even feature in one of my green screen skits if you'd want to (simply stand in front of a green cloth and send me the video file to add to my video). No pressure, I just think it would be funny. We could meet in person eventually, if you'd like. Overall, the friendship is easy-going with the confidence of confidentiality and privacy respected.

Email: ashleyjones@icum.to
Text me (calls will need to be scheduled for right now):

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Since this monthly column is about admitting things, I will admit something new. I like when a straight guy sounds gay or acts gay. This does NOT include shoving things up his or others butts. I simply mean mannerisms and speech. This is known as being effeminate. I am a big fan of genuine emo music. Anytime I mention emo music, I must clarify that emo music is NOT My Chemical Romance, Panic at the Disco, Fallout Boy, etc. Real emo music is not achiieved simply by wearing black eye liner. In fact, pretty much all real emo bands do not look "emo".

With that in mind, if you like emo music, you must listen to, what some consider, the pioneers of 2000's emo music. The Blood Brothers. To some, this band sounds like two gay guys screaming, and they might say, "I can hear this by watching gay porn. Why do I need to listen to The Blood Brothers?" Good point. But, The Blood Brothers are one of the best bands to ever exist. While the band sometimes sounds emo, punk, etc., they truly cannot be repilcated. Their sound is very unique and is obviously different from other bands in the same genre. What makes it so great is this guy screaming so high-pitch, you'd think he's a woman. Oh, and to top it off, he does the "chicken hand" movement I discuessed in my September 2026 monthy column here: https://dukenukemis.cool/monthlycolumn-9-26-2025/

That guy's name is Johnny Whitney, and I have been obsessed with him. When I first saw him in a music video, I thought he was gay. If that was the case, I would've simply said, "That's a shame", and moved on with my life. But, since he is straight, my mind tells me its OK to like him. As a woman, it feels wrong to have a crush on a gay guy and is something I've never had happened. It feels gross to be rejected by a guy who sucks cum.

But Johnny is not a cum sucker. In fact, throughout my obsessive research-benders, I've found out he's impregnated his wife at least 4 times. GOOD FOR HER, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. So as you can see, despite dancing like a homosexual, he is totally straight. #Winning. So, to clarify. I like how he acts gay. I like his womanly-high pitch voice during some of his singing career, I like his short stature, I like him both when skinny and with a little meat on his bones, I like his gay dancing, and I like his github. That's right. I found his github, which has 1 folder and nothing else.

Johnny frequently talks about after making a failed band after The Blood Brothers, Jaguar Love (which I love), he decided to try and go into the corporate world. He became a software developer at Netflix. Through this information I found his github (which is just his name). There was nothing on there except a singular folder that was typed out gibberish. Though, finding something so strange out of this singer made me feel like a stalker. Who goes to find a singer's github? I felt so creepy I was going to commit... a change on github.

Now is a good time to talk about his voice. For some reason I never liked top-40 pop hits, where the voices sound so perfect it's robotic. I always like people who sing "bad", ergo, not always in-pitch. It just sounds human and I like it a lot. There are a few times in his songs where he follows this idea, and I like it. For some reason when the music mostly cuts out and it is briefly him singing alone, I pretend he's singing to me.

Oh, fine I will admit one other thing. When I have a male artist I like, I do tend to look at their bulge area. It looks like he is packing. Sorry, I shouldn't admit this in the chance he reads this. But to make you feel better Johnny, I have done this to Michael Jackson as I saw it JIGGLE and it made me feel like a creep. So in your case, I have never seen it jiggle. So it's less creepy.

I will rank my favorite looks of his now.

Number 1: Long messy brown hair. I am a fan of long hair, and I think this look suits him really well. Having it a little messy is extra cute to me, he just looks comfy. His hair sorta reminds me of a troll doll (of which I collect). I wonder if he has a jewel in his belly button like Trolls do. Once a day, I like to watch his music video "I Started a Fire", and sometimes if I don't feel worthy of watching that video (e.g. disgusting slob w/ spaghetti on shirt that needs to be cleaned), I will wait until I am cleaner to watch the video. He looks AMAZING and sometimes short in the video. I LOVE short guys, I think their proportions look a lot better than someone normal/taller. There is a moment where he is carrying a big batch of balloons. At one point he grabs the balloon string with his mouth and that is my favortie part of the music video, along with him looking cute and short as he peeks through a window. Ah god, I will admit one last thing. I sorta see why women like pairing their two husbandos to be gay together. His band mate cutely attacks Johnny in the video, gets a little handsy. For some reason I liked that. I think I figured out why. It's non-threatening to have your husbando be with another man. If he's with another woman, it threatens the woman because she is not being picked. But if he is with a man, double the trouble, you know? I'm not into gay guys having sex, but I did find this clothed dynamic a little cute.

Number 2: Short blonde hair and super feminine. This is the look that first made me attracted to Johnny. I first watched the video Love Rhymes with a Hideous Carwreck. The first time I saw Johnny, he looks short and I found that so cute. His classic feminine mannerisms and vocals are what did it for me. I also watch this music video once a day and apply the "worthy / not worthy" logic before I watch the video. This is a really good song. He often paired his blonde hair with a neck scarf and skinny jeans, what a nice signature look. I wish he'd bring it back. If he was like Elvis, he could toss his scarf out to the crowd.

Number 3: Tank tops and Gun Show. This is his modern day look. He now usually wears these tank tops that annoy me. I feel like tank tops need to have thin straps, and this gradual fade from the torso cloth to the wide-ish strap annoys me. But at least it displays his awesome muscles, which he could def use to protect me. I think he's aged really good too. This isn't a bad look, but the other two fit right into my preferences, so this look just happens to land here for my preferences. Instead of wearing an annoying tank top, he should just go shirtless. I only have one issue. I'm not sure if he sold his soul to the music industry recently. His latest album and music videos feature occult imagery and rituals (e.g. drinking blood, cannabalisms). The band has a story of being an evil death cult, but, we've seen such jokes as a method to relay genuine satanic imagery. I hope it's a joke, but it's honestly more likely to be genuine given the track record of the music industry. Johnny, you don't need to sell your soul. But you should sell your body. To me.

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Let's just say, if you're having trouble with loose or leaky stools, this will harden you right up. French Bread. I like making bread at home because it's usually cheap, easy, and filling. This bread is also versatile. You can turn it into pizza bread, garlic bread, a sub sandwich, basic warm bread topped with butter. If you let this bread sit out for 4 days you could even turn it into a hammer because it's so hard. That's the most delicious hammer I've ever tried.

To make this, you will need a bowl, rolling pin, mixing paddle, and a dough mat. I used to kneed dough directly onto my formica table like a poor person. The clean up was awful, much like after gay guys have sex. I discovered dough mats, which make it easier to kneed without use of flour on the surface, and easy, no-stick clean up.

INGREDIENTS:
-2 1/2 cup flour
-1 cup water
-1 tbsp maple syrup (or sugar or honey)
-1 1/2 tsp rapid rise yeast
-1 tsp salt
-1 egg yolk mixed with 1 tbsp water

-Warm water to 105 degrees F.
-Add to bowl. Mix in maple syrup and yeast. Let it sit for 8-10 minutes. The top should look cream-colored and foamy. If it is not, your water was either too cold or warm and the yeast couldn't proof.
-In a mixing bowl, add flour and salt and mix. Add in the maple syrup, yeast, sugar mixture into the bowl and mix.
-Turn out dough onto a lightly floured dough mat and knead dough until it forms a ball. Sprinkle additional flour on top if the dough is too sticky and wet.
-Rub oil (I use avocado oil) into a big bowl and place dough ball into this bowl. Wet a dish cloth large enough to cover the top of the bowl. Wring out the cloth until damp. Place over the bowl. Wait 30 minutes or until the dough has doubled in size.
-Place fist into the middle of the dough. Turn dough onto a floured surface. If you have doubled the recipe, cut the dough into two pieces. Using a rolling pin, flatten the dough to a roughly 16x12 rectangle. Then, roll the dough from the short end to the other short end.
-Place dough onto an oiled baking sheet. Using a large knife, slice diagonal lines into the dough. Let the dough rise for 30-40 minutes, may cover for the first 15 minutes and uncovered for last 15 minutes with damp cloth.
-Heat oven to 375. Boil 2 cups of water in sauce pan. Place boiled water into deep baking dish. The water helps the dough be softer. Beat 1 egg yolk and 1 tbsp water together. Coat dough with egg. This helps the bread turn brown on the outside. I coat with a barbeque brush.
-Bake for 40 minutes or until brown on the outside.

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Imagine being born in 1932, and having your last year on Earth be 2026. Aside from seeing the unfortunate creation of the show Friends, civil rights, and yoga pants, you live in a world where a 40 pack box of Rice Krispies exist. Any woman born in 1932 knows that creating baked goods from hand is the only honorable way to consume treats (and because it was law back then that consuming a pre-packaged treat was punishable by death because packaged foods was a feminist movement to attempt to free women from the kithen). Despite eventually being able to leave the kitchen, Marrian stayed in it.

Sexism led her to enjoy baking, which is a hobby that is able to be enjoyed equally by both men and women. Her love of baking meant she frequently shared her homemade bread with others, as well as making her famous German Chocolate Cake for any celebration. Note that "German Chocolate Cake" has recently been classified as an anti-semetic word by the IDF, so now we must say "Herman Chocolate Cake". Herman is a Jewish name, so this is the correct and non anti-semetic way to say that cake name.

On another note, Marrian allegedly mowed her lawn until age 87. That's impressive, until you remember that a lawn mower is essentially a walker that cuts grass. My fear is that an 87 year would would have a temporary bout of dementia and try to walk the lawn mower into the house, giving her home's carpet a nice trim, which is something she hasn't done to her carpet in years. (pubes).

Marrian would even spend time outdoors hunting and fishing. I assumed the only thing she would hunt for is a good deal at TJ Maxx.

And just like good deals, we all expire someday. Marrian passed away on May 9th, 2026. I wonder who will inherite the lawn mower.

https://www.winsteadsfuneralhome.com/obituaries/marrian-baldeschwiler?ttm_pid=211449918&ttm_affiliate=legacypro&ttm_affiliatetype=standard&ttm_campaign=legacy

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Mii Creepypasta This is a creepypasta I wrote for fun. It's not good, it was just for fun. I might write more in the future. You are welcome to post this creepypasta anywhere you want. Edward received his Wii in the Winter of 2006. His new Wii was his obsession, and hardly anyone could pull him away from it. He spent plenty of hours during his Christmas break playing his new Wii games, but one channel caught his attention like no other game -- The Mii Channel. He sometimes didn't even customize the Miis, sometimes he just slept while the music played in the background. Sometimes he would just barely wake up from the Mii music. He thought he heard the music chipping up and down the notes -- each note, hard, sharp. Only for it... to return back to normal when he started noticing this happen. Each time, he would fall back asleep, assuming it was just his tired state making him imagine things. Edward dreads today -- January 1st. It is the last day of his Christmas break. Anxiety fills his mind and body, he truly cannot relax, as the thoughts of having to go back to school tomorrow eats at him. Eager to distract himself, he goes into his living room and turns on the Wii. A chill brushed over him; not completely sure if it was his nerves or something else. The familiar cursor hovers over any selection of channels. But Edward, poor Edward, chooses the Mii Channel. If only he knew. The music begins to play. He sees each Mii wandering around, and compares them to ants on the ground which can easily be picked up and tortured. Inspired by his thoughts, he picks up a blank Mii. "Guest B". Edward notices Guest B's blank stare akin to a canvas waiting for its identity. In a mood to make himself feel better, Edward decides to make Guest B the victim at his very hand -- well, WiiMote. Guest B is separated from the rest of the Miis. It is just Edward, and Guest B. Edward uses the cursor to poke Guest B in several areas, and soon enough, Edward realizes Guest B cannot object because his mouth gone. Edward has now made Guest B his personal Frankenstien. Edward painfully readjusts every feature of Guest B's. Eyes are made smaller, narrow, and pitch black. Edward doesn't think Guest B deserved to see. The nose becomes a deformed and flat, with two tiny pinholes for air. Edward doesn't think Guest B deserves to breath. Edward removes Guest B's hair, revealing the true horrors of being bald. Finally, Edward removes Guest B's eyebrows. During the adjustment, each click is met with the sound effect becoming more and more distorted. By his last selection, the sound effect struck a deep sense of fear and need for survival. Then, it happened. The distorted Mii music game back -- it was not something he imagined in his sleep. It was real. The sound filled his living room with chaos, sounds transmitting to pure fear. Edward's eyes are locked on the screen. His arms lie parayzed as he is forced to witness a sliver of Guest B's mouth appear. First, a small line, slowly creeping wider, and wider, until the smile is ear to ear. The screen becomes more distorted, as the music becomes more chaotic. As Guest B opens his mouth, a piercing loud high-pitch tone emits from it, making Edward deaf instantly. The thoughts of death cross Edward's mind, as he is completely helpless and controlled at the will of the being he taunted. He cannot hear it, but the music has increased drastically loud and echos throughout the living room. Edward tries to scream, but his mouth is gone. The TV glitches into the Wii's Weather Channel. Its background so red it emits heat. The sight nearly burns Edward's eyes. The screen reads, "Temperature in: Hell". Then, his soul is terminated. Guest B speaks, "Don't ever touch mii".

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None. Any submissions are welcome, I love fanart. Email me your fan art (AI submissions are not accepted) and I will post it in my next monthly column with my personal commentary.

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Since 2014, I have had some form of image board presence to discuss my videos. Originally it was 8chan, which got shut down. Eventually I made my own imageboard, tubgurl.com. For a while, it had good engagement with discussion over a wide variety of topics. However, it was essentially on life support for about a year, with my homeless stalker using my website as his personal blog, arguments, AI goyslop, etc. there was little to no discussion about anything interesting. Plus, even though I gained my viewership though someone posting me on 4chan, the people who obsess over me have never used 4chan and hate the anonymous-style board because they want notoriety for their posts. I resented checking my board because the good posts were outnumbered by stupidity.

I decided to save myself the $11 a month and stop paying the server. I can buy a box of Twinkies with those savings. Instead, now I'll resort to bridging IRC/XMPP/and gay Discord together for discussion. I'd like to do a BBS sometime as well. I would like to have discussion over interesting topics. In the meantime, I will have to think what I could turn tubgurl.com into. If you own a local food shop, I can make the website for you and you get the URL tubgurl.com for this shop.

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A trip down memory lane: Obese Chair

I remember visiting a few different furniture stores during my adolescence and coming across "obese chairs". Trigger warning: This is a VERY American topic. While I am on the smaller side (4' 11"), this chair is still massive for any person. It should hold roughly 3 adult sized warthogs, or 1 American. If a person requires a chair this big, imagine how big his toilet needs to be. Oh, and good call making sure this chair is brown. I can imagine a person this big would leave shart stains all over it. I could see an obese person having trouble getting out of this chair, but you will notice that there is a remote on this chair that tortures the chair by making it lift the obese person out of the seat. If you are so big to the point of needing to purchase specialized furniture, you need to be banned from McDonalds and be legally mandated to live at a Planet Fitness for 30 days.

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This is the end of the monthly column

The subjects and questions were submitted to me via email (ashleyjones@icum.to). Please submit your questions, tip requests, suggestions, etc. via email with the subject line, "Monthly column". I will address them in future monthly column issues. If you are a teacher who wants to use my column as educational reading material for students, you are welcome to do so.

About the author: Ashley Jones